Parties r 4 clowns
by REALITYstarving
Summary: Karsie, femKarkat, suffers from depression. She loves her moirail, Gamzee Makara, but can't say it. When a party is hosted, and Karsie decides to go, a turn of events changes her life. Are those changes good or bad?
1. Something cute?

**Disclaimer: Any Homestuck characters used in this fanfic are not owned by me, they belong to our faithful Hussie. **

**(Gamzee x FemKarkat)**

"Pleaseeee come Karsie," Napeta rubbed her face on my hand, "please purrrmise you'll come?" I sighed, combing my hands through my hair, a habit of mine.

"Napeta, why on earth would I go to a stupid party, " I tried shaking her off gently, "I'm not one for singing and dancing! "

Napeta just gave me a stupid grin. "You can't dance, that I'll give you, " she dodged my 'wtf pap', "but you sure as hell can sing."

I watched as she ran off before I could say otherwise. 'Gog damn it...'

...

terminallyCapricious began trolling carcinoGeneticist

TG: HeY mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg FrIeNd

CG: HEY

CG: WHATS UP MY BRAIN SLIMED FRIEND

TG: NoW K, thats NoT hOw YoU tReAt FrIeNdS :o)

CG: WHATEVER

CG: YOU DIDNT ANSWER THE QUESTION CLOWN

TG: ArE yOu GoInG tO tHe PaRtY tOniGht?

CG: NOT YOU TOO GAMZEE

TG: ?

CG: NAPETA SHOWED UP A WHILE AGO ASKING THE SAME THING

CG: SHE DIDNT EVEN LET ME ANSWER

TG: WeLl ThEn My MoThEr FuCkEr, YoU'lL hAvE tO cOmE

terminallyCapricious ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist

CG: GAMZEE?

CG: DID YOU REALLY LEAVE

CG: FUCK YOU...

terminallyCapricious began trolling carcinoGeneticist

TG: DoN't FoRgEt To BrInG a DiSh

TG: AnD wEaR sOmEtHiNg CuTe :o)

terminallyCapricious ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist

CG: WAIT... WHAT?

CG: O.O

**Sorry for the short chapters, but our computer is being stupid and won't work so I am reduced to my tablet... UGH! I type so little but it takes so long...**

**Why Hussie?**

***whispers* Whyyyyyy?**

**ALSO, if I screwed up any bits in the colored text, idc. It was a fudgin bitch to get it all into color. (IF their colored text doesn't show I may go cry...)**


	2. Alone

**Disclaimer- Any Homestuck characters used in this fanfic are not owned by me and they belong to our faithful Hussie. **

I sighed, pushing my chair out from the table. What was I supposed to do, I really wanted to just spend the night at home, trying out my new games.

Yet, here I was opening my closet and browsing my selection. Most of it was baggy sweaters, miniskirts, leggings, and boots.

I ended up throwing on a pair of checkered red and black leggings, a plain black miniskirt, a long sleeved shirt that wss black with a white skull, and a pair of uggs.

I sat down on my bed and sighed, wondering what to do with my hair. I could leave it down but it'd get messy and tangled very quickly.

I COULD call Napeta over, she loved Frozen and could maybe do an Elsa braid for me. I wondered how it would look with horns and figured it would look pretty cute.

'Are we really going to go?' I began to doubt myself as I stood infront of the mirror, my hands nervously fiddling around with the hem of my shirt.

I stared into my reflection, focusing on my horns. Everyone else had sharp ones, but mine were like nubs.

My eyes traveled down my body, focusing on my arms. Beneath the long sleeves were several cuts, trailing up my arms. I hated them.

I hated how I would always resort to the blade under my bed. I didn't want to do it, but I never could resist. It was like I was trapped in a never ending loop.

A dark, sad, lonely loop.

...

I waited in my room for Napeta to come over, I told her to just come in, but to knock first. She was the only person I trusted to actually come into my hive.

Napeta knew of my cutting, and had sworn to keep it a secret. A few times when she had seen my worst moments, she had begged to tell someone, like Gamzee or Aradia, but I had denied.

If they knew wouldn't they hate me too? I could maybe tell Aradia, but she would tell Sollux. Gamzee? I know, I should be able to tell my moirail, but...

I didn't want to risk losing him. Ever since my birthday a few years ago, I had begun to feel red for him. Sounds stupid, right?

I'm used to that...

...

I was petting Cookie when I heard a knock, I ignored it and continued to to pet her, and as Napeta entered the room Cookie was purring like a generator.

She smiled at me and then scooped up Cookie, rubbing under his chin. "So if you want me to do your hair in a special way," she trailed off for a bit, "you must be coming to the party?"

I laughed, pointing to my mirror, "Get on with it, kitty!" I went and sat down closer to the mirror, and patted the bed space behind me.

...

As she began tying the hair tie at the end of my braid I saw her expression sadden. "Karsie," I paid attention as her voice quieted, "will you please tell someone? I'm really worried about you, all this cutting can't be good for you."

"Napeta," I flinched at the sound of my voice, "if anyone knew I'd be made fun of..."

"That's not true Karsie," I stared at Napetas reflection in the mirror, "everyone would treat you the same! We all love you Karsie... Plus, you're my best friend, and I can't let this go on much longer."

"But Nape-", "but nothing! It hurts me too..." "Can't you atleast tell Gamzee? He's your moirail, it's what he's for."

...

I stared at my own eyes in the mirror, they were the same old, dull gray, but I could see a hint of red in them. Pretty soon they were going to know my blood color, I always knew I wouldn't be able to hide it forever.

Yet, I didn't know why I couldn't say it. I guess that I felt like people would treat me worse, that I would lose my friends and my moirail. I had never thought that by hiding I would lose them.

Would it be the same as the cutting? It would probably be as though I couldn't say it, even though I wanted to. I wanted to have the burden lifted off my shoulders, I wanted to be free to live a normal life.

I smiled, turning to look at Napeta. "Thanks... I'm sorry for putting you through this," I hugged her, "I'll try and do something about it." I pulled back to look at her. "You needa get ready and I need to get baking..."

I saw Napeta hesitate before smiling back, "It's fine, and I guess I'll see you there..."

Then, with the closing of the door I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I sunk down into a corner and cried my heart out.

...

I hadn't cried in so long that I cried for half an hour, nonstop. I had kept my feelings bottled up inside me, not daring to show anyone. Not even Napeta.

It felt good at the same time as feeling horrible. With each minute passing by more weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe it was only a bit, but it was enough.

I heard a few whines and looked up to see my cat and dog looking at me. I smiled sadly as I scooped them up and held them close. "I'm fine Dough, " I rubbed her floppy ears, "I'm fine..."

...

**(Gamzee's POV)**

I knocked on the door of Karsie's hive, waiting for a reply but getting none. "Karsie," I called out, "you home motherfucker? " No reply.

Napeta had messaged me saying she was a bit worried about Karsie. I couldn't see what would be motherfucking wrong though... Maybe the girl was just feeling down and out.

When I didn't get a reply I let myself in, closing the door behind as to not let her pets in. I nudged Cookie and Dough, (such cute names), so they wouldn't run out.

I watched as the two trotted off down the hall and reluctantly followed them. I stopped as they entered the last door down the hall. Listening for any signs saying I shouldn't enter. What I heard almost shattered my heart.

I peered in, lured by the hiccuping sobs coming from Karsie, and saw her in the corner. Cookie and Dough slinked toward and nudged her legs, meowing and whining. I bit my lip as she looked up, fresh tear trails across her face, and heard her mumble something to Dough.

...

**(Karsie's POV)**

"Hey motherfucker, " I jumped at Gamzee's voice, "you home Karsie? "

**Chapter 2 is done, and I am proud. Don't worry though, chapters will get happier and longer. So happy that this series is coming together, and I'm having a lot of fun writing it. -Love EY**


	3. Authors Shit

Hello gais and happy motherfucking easter.

There hasn't been a chapter for this story in a while. DONT WORRY! I will continue it, its just that I'm working on a bunch of shit right now. I'm doing; You only wear shorts once a week, a few one shots, stuff with my family, and I'm also trying to improve my drawings so I can be putting up pictures on my deviant. The next chapter will be coming out on Friday, 25th of April, my time! x3 Ty for the views guys, it feels good when people read my shitty fics.

Anyway, enjoy your easter and fangirl/boy like a boss!

-EY


	4. Fake smiles and rough grips

**Hello my friends, I have finally returned. Sorry I broke my promise, but I completely forgot I had a famine/school sleepever event on Friday and Saturday, (Sunday was a eat and nap day). Anyway, here's a short chapter, and because it's short I'll put another one up tomorrow Lets get on to the story and fuck the excuses!**

**Disclaimer- I do not own any of the Homestuck characters, they all belong to Hussie. You belong to Gamzee, and he belongs to Hussie, so you belong to Hussie. GOOD FUCKIN LUCK!**

Fake smiles and rough grips

'Shit!' I thought, wiping the tears away and sitting up straight, 'why's Gamzee here?' '"I'm in my room Gamzee," I called out with a fake voice, "give me a second!" I quickly fixed my hair and makeup and ran to open my door fully.

I smiled when I saw him, and half of it was actually real. Gamzee was one of the only people who could actually make me smile, not my fake smiles. Other than him it was Nepeta, Karkat, and Tavros. "Can I help you Gamz?"

I was answered with one of his stoned smiles. "Nepeta asked me to come over and escort you to the motherfucking party," he grabbed my hand, "let's go lil' sis!" I blushed slightly while flinching, he had accidentally grabbed one of my fresher cuts, and I could already feel the blood oozing from it.

I hated my blood, no one else seemed to be too worried about theirs... Ugh, why must the world be so cruel! Why gog?

"Okay Gamz," I gently pulled away from him, "I just gotta grab one last thing! " Sprinting to my room, I quickly bandaged my arms, also grabbing a pair of gloves for if it got too cold. Once I returned to the hallway, I smiled at him and grabbed his hand, laughing as to try and avoid suspicion.

...

The walk to the party was quiet, just filled with a few random conversations about life and school and work. Just the usual...

Things didn't stay usual though, as when we were walking past an alleyway I felt something cold and rough grab my arm. I let out a squeal, feeling sharp nails digging into your cuts. I saw a startled expression on Gamzee's face before hands covered my eyes and I was pulled into the shadows.

"What the fuck do you think YOU'RE doing," I could tell Gamzee was mad now, "you FUCKERS LET HER GO!" Things were quiet for a second before I heard several sets of laughing. "What the fuck are you gonna do about it," the voice was rough and seemed to be coming from the one holding me. Not that I'd call it holding...

One hand was wrapped around my arms and waist, preventing me from moving or fighting back, while the other was across my eyes. The hand on my face slid down to my chin, pulling it up so I was looking into his eyes.

They were disgusting, a greenish brown that seemed to be murky and just plain creepy. "Don't cry cutie," he nibbled on my ear, "I'll give you a fun time..." I wanted to puke, I didn't want his hand on me! In anger and repulsion I spit into his face and kneed his groin.

Once the tight grip around me was gone I tried to get to Gamzee, who was currently trying to fight against 2 other guys. I was about to hit one dude over the head when the leader grabbed my throat, lifting me up and pushing me against a wall.

I cried out, feeling the air escaping my lungs, feeling more tears spill. "G-gamzee," I gasped, "gamzee!" White and black spots were beginning to fill my vision, making it hard to focus. I was about to cry out again when all the pressure vanished, leaving me to collapse on my knees and slide against the wall.

I coughed a few times, rubbing my throat and taking in shudderinkg gasps. I faintly heard some yelling and footsteps running away loudly, before arms wrapped around me. I inhaled, getting the familiar smell of lavender shampoo and soporslime.

"Damnit, I'm motherfucking sorry sis," Gamzee's worried voice echoed loudly, "can you breath okay?" I sniffled. "I'm fine," I wrapped my arms around his neck, " I just wanna go home... Please." I was worried he was gonna takr me to the hospital, but luckily he didn't. I felt myself being lifted off the ground gently.

Then I passed out.

...

When I awoke it was dark, and not just dark. It was as dark as the Strider's sunglasses. Barely any light made it through my curtains, and I was glad. Cause, as soon as I turned on my lamp, pain flooded my head.

The fuck? Why did my mind feel like I had a hangover... oh yeah, that incident. Well, yay!

I slipped off the covers and realized, my fucking sweater wasn't on me! Fuckkkkkkkkkking shittt! I began to panic, if my sweater was gone then Gamzee would've seen my scars. My moirail, the one who I was flushed for, had seen my revolting scars.

Right now I wanted to cry...

**Dun fucking dun... Small cliffie, yes, hate me. Love me... Call me? ...**


	5. Confrontations, demons, and fighting

**So, I hate to break it to you guys, but this is the last chapter. I will be starting a new series, adding a few oneshots, and continuing You only wear shorts once a week.**

**Slight WARNING: This chapters deals with depression, self harm, mention of anxiety and bulimia, and slight feels. Don't read if this triggers you. #depression #selfharm #anxietyandbulimia #sadandhappyfeels**

**Diclaimer: Any Homestuck characters used in this fanfic are not owned by me, they belong to Hussie. As does your soul.**

Confrontations, demons, and fighting back

I buried my face into the warm pillow, I should of known this was going to happen soon. Well, to be honest I did, but I just didn't think much about it...

I was dumb to think I'd be able to keep cutting forever, harming myself with the blade coated in my candy blood. Gamzee had known of my blood color for a while, and he had enough trouble soothing me back to normal. He had called me his candy angel, yeah an angel, perhaps a fallen angel who had been kicked out of heaven!

Harming those around me was something I had never wanted to do, I never meant to hurt my friends. It was only supposed to affect me. Yet, of course, nothing goes my way.

'Ughh.' Look at me, going on an emotional roller coaster ride. It's so stupid of me to be blabbing on in my mind like this. If I was speaking aloud it'd be worse than Kankri when on when of his speeches. That itself was a disaster, though it didn't really bother me too much.

Maybe another nap would be good, I was certainly tired enough to take one... Might as well take advantage of the opportunity.

...

When I woke again the room was bright, birds chirping and all that happymorningfuntime stuff. I glanced at my clock to see it was 4 in the afternoon, holy shit. I looked up again, and almost screamed when Gamzee popped into view.

"Holy jegus Gamzee," I muttered, "don't fucking pop out of nowhere..." Midway through my sentence I stopped, suddenly feeling the atmosphere around us. Why was I talking shit about him, it's me with the issues here.

My eyes moved to the floor, finding it more interesting than Gamzee's face. I shifted, trying to get comfy, when a surge of pain went through my body. I had been sleeping on my fucking cuts, and they had reopened.

I let out a pained cry and sat up, almost head butting Gamzee as he leaned closer to clean up my scars. I shifted awkwardly, avoiding eye contact and trying not to cover my arms. An instinct I picked up...

"Sis," I secretly looked at him, keeping my head down, "why didn't you tell me? Aren't we moirals?" I could feel my heart aching, arms itching with the desire to recieve more cuts.

We were silent for a few minutes, and each second that went by broke my heart more. I wanted to tell him everything, but I couldn't, I couldn't move my mouth. The darkness was trapping me, not letting anyone in and not letting me free.

"Leave." 'No please!' "I'm fine, leave me alone." 'I'M NOT FINE!' "I fucking hate you, GET THE FUCK AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK." 'NO!'

"..."

"J-just, FUCKING," the tears began to spill, "I... just, fuck, don't... Leave now." I tried to will my words out, but I couldn't. All I could do was watch silently in horror as he stood up and walked to the door.

"No," I whispered quietly, "I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO!" I wouldn't let this fucking demon order me. He was the one I loved, and if he left, I'd never be able to fight back.

"Don't listen Gamzee," I cried, "it wants you to... to think I hate... you."

"Sis?"

"I don't want you to go! If you're gone then I'll be alone, if you leave the pain will stay! I don't want it, its like I'm trapped... It's always dark but when you're here it's nice and sunny." The tears wouldn't stop, I could feel myself shaking.

It was cold.

Without him,

I was a mess.

I needed him...

"I..." I looked at him, smiling slightly, "I'm flushed for you, Gamzee Makara. No one else, just you..."

So much weight lifted off me, it felt like I was a bit stronger, but nervousness filled me. If he left me I'd be destroyed...

"Karsie," warmness spread throughout my body, "flushed for you too sis."

...

_3 months later_

I smiled as I walked home on my way from work. It was a crisp autumn day, with a slight breeze in the wind. Maybe it was Egbert's doing. I didn't pay too much attention to it. Today was special.

It was me and Gamzee's three month anniversary. Since that day, things had gotten better. We spent that night hugging on the sofa, watching romcoms and other movies. Talking about our past and funny stories. For once in my life I truly felt happy. I was nestled on his chest, a blanket over us both, and a bag on potato crisps on my back as Gamzee devoured them.

I hadn't felt like eating, though Gamzee made me promise him I'd eat the next day. I happily did. Another promise was that I tell him where all my blades were, and that we dispose of them. He said tomorrow we would do that, and he'd take me to a hospital. I was a bit nervous, but I would do anything to keep him with me.

I decided I would text Nepeta the next day, telling her all that happened, and I'd probably also thank her. If it wasn't for her, this wouldn't of happened, and I probably would've been raped by those guys...

The next day we had a huge meal together, collected all my blades, and then gone to the hospital. The doctors had run tests on me, confirming I had depression, but also had anxiety problems and self harm issues. No shit. They gave me antidepressants and some other pills, and sent me to a seminar/once a week group thing.

By the fourth week, I was feeling better. I hadn't cut at all, though sometimes it would itch so badly I'd cry and throw up. I slowly came out of depression, though to this day I still have to take the pills. My anxiety went back to normal, and I finally had a real life.

I was attending my weekly class when they asked for anyone who would be willing to go on a "tour" with them around schools. My hand immediately went up, and so I went around, telling different schools my story and helping kids with their own. After the tour, they had asked if I wanted to work with them, teaching seminars but also performing.

Apparently the group had a band who was looking for a new singer. I had almost declined, but then remembered my past love for singing. I also had a part time job at a small cafe, playing the grand piano and singing. I felt happy with myself, and Gamzee would say he was so proud.

We had moved into a house together a week or so ago. It wasn't actually a house, but we brought a room in an apartment. It was on the second floor, and had 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and a huge living room. The actually building had a whole gym area, and a pool. I had been reluctant to go swimming at first, as some of my scars were still dark. After a week of begging Gamz got me into the pool, and it was there that I met a girl my age.

She had bulimia and was currently on medication and lessons. We became great friends, and would often go out for walks or go grab drinks together. After a week of being friends see told me she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend, and then I told her I had several lesbian and gay friends. It was then that I introduced her to Rose and Kanaya, and Dave and John.

My life was finally together. I was no longer worried. My issues had begun to fade, leaving me normal.

I was happy...

**Call me sappy, but I cried when writing her yelling at Gamzee. I don't suffer from depression myself, but I almost have, several times. Everyone has problems, but they're all different, one way or another. If you suffer from depression, bulimia, or whatever, just know that there's always someone there. You can talk to someone, it may be hard, but it's possible. Keep fighting. Slam a faygo.**

**XOXO**


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